When you live on autopilot, it’s rather easy to get through the day. Because, you really don’t have to think about yourself, your emotions, your life. You are surrounded by people and your mind is on work most of the time. Basically you are safe as long as you don’t let your mind wander off to the thoughts that concern “you”. The thoughts that constantly bother you- the thoughts about the very instances that have led you to lead the autopilot life you’ve created for yourself in the first place.
In short, it’s easy to kill your heart during the day.
But it’s not the case with nights. As darkness approaches, and as everything else fades away, you are trapped in your own thoughts- the miserable prison that you have so carefully built for yourself. The prison you are unable to get out of, or let anyone in. It’s those few moments of the night when your insecurities and sadness come alive and loom large before you. You have gone past the stages when shedding tears gave you a bit of a relief. Now, you have exhausted tears. You are just waiting for the merciless night to pass. There’s no sleep, no peace – just you and bitterness.
In short, it’s harder to kill your heart at night, for its laments are loud and clear, thanks to the silence around you.
I wonder if this autopilot life will ever end. In a way it doesn’t matter, as it’s now only too familiar. Hope and happiness are too far away, they seem almost alien.
When you have learned to cope with the monsters of the night- the thought of embracing hope and happiness brings fear and apprehension, lest they are taken away from you, again.
Incidentally, I am reminded of a beautiful Kurunthokai poem I came across on Twitter. I cannot appreciate this poem enough. It’s amazing someone hundreds of years back went through the same things some of us are destined to go through.
நள்ளென்றன்றே யாமம் சொல் அவிந்(து)
இனிது அடங்கினரே மாக்கள் முனிவு இன்று
நனந்தலை உலகமும் துஞ்சும்
ஓர் யான் மன்ற துஞ்சாதேனே
எழுதியவர் – பதுமனார்
திணை – நெய்தல் திணை